At various times over the past week I’ve thought about what I would, could or should say here, and as I sit here to begin this I honestly still don’t know. When something major like this happens in your in life you can’t really ignore that it happened but you don’t really want to dwell on it either. I’ve read so many inspirational blog posts from people who have suffered tragedy such as this — a spouse struggling with cancer, a newborn baby born to early, a baby born with down syndrome — and while I would hope for something like that, right now, I don’t have it in me. Maybe someday but not today.
Chances are, you already know what I’m about to say — according to my blog stats, lots of friends of family have come here over the past week — so the news is probably no surprise.
But just in case, 11 days ago, on Saturday, July 3, John died. It was tragic and unexpected and therefore the emotions involved have been far and wide. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, to tell my sons that their father died. Two days later I did an even harder thing — I took them to see him at the funeral home. I held and shushed Caden as he cried “I want my daddy” and I tried to respect when Finn seemed unmoved and just wanted to leave.
My church and family and friend support has been awesome, from prayers, to meals, to helping with the boys, to encouraging texts and Facebook messages … the list goes on. Two special friends drove hours to come be with me and love on me, and I owe them a gratitude I can never repay.
So far from this experience, I have learned that John touched a lot of lives — more than 250 people came through the visitation and funeral — and I am greatly saddened that so many people lost someone special. My boys lost their dad, of course, and that’s my first focus, but I was made keenly aware throughout the last week that so many others lost too. John’s death was the loss of a son, a brother, an uncle, a co-worker, a colleague, a fellow Navy officer and so on.
So life will go on — the boys and I are sorting out a new “normal” — and as part of that, this blog will go on. There will be times here when it’s relevant to mention John’s death, either in part or in a more complete way, I don’t really know. I know also there will be many “normal” posts that don’t mention or reflect on this at all. And I think that’s OK and I hope you’ll all give me the freedom to write whatever I need to here, to cope and deal in my own way, whatever that looks like.
Thank you all for the prayers and concern and support.