I finally put in to words today a feeling that I’ve not been able to pinpoint previously, and that is a desire for life to return to “normal.” There is no “normal” anymore, at least normal can’t be what it was.
What was “normal” even?
“Normal” had elements of now — I was kept very busy by the boys’ activities and needs. John was in and out, sometimes traveling for work or working for the Navy. I went to work.
I’m still busy with the boys. But John is absent from our life and I’m currently not working.
There is nothing normal about that.
I remember thinking, about three weeks after John had died, that that was the longest period that I or the boys had been without him. He’d gone away before for a week, and I think even for two weeks, but we had at that point lived without him longer than we ever had before.
I can’t go back to “normal” because that life doesn’t exist any more. A new normal will take its place.
I often feel like it will never happen.
But it will. It may just take a while.
And the meantime I’m trying not to be discouraged by it and remain upbeat.
This too shall pass.