The details of what went on between John and I the weeks before he took his life are personal, but I’ve said enough on here at different times to indicate that issues in our marriage is what kinda brought everything to a head. We didn’t fight; we actually got along very well. But we were both kinda living separate lives, so it felt, and I wanted more than that. I wanted relationship, I wanted him. Truth? I miss him now because he’s no longer living but I’ve missed him for a lot longer than that. And I’m sure he had his list of things I could’ve been doing better too.
I was stupid. I was hurt. My heart was hard and I let separation and divorce become viable options. I was willing to go to counseling, but I was honest that I thought my heart was too far gone from the relationship. I’ve since learned that I was most likely already “emotionally divorced” from the marriage. I didn’t even know such a state existed.
What happens if you take someone who was already feeling hurt, neglected and unimportant and you leave them permanently? Well, they feel even more hurt, neglected and unimportant. I know he was being hurt by me and he had so many things on him — school pressures, Navy pressures, a new job — but I really hate that he chose to just end it all and leave this life forever. And even though I’m sure I shouldn’t blame myself I can’t help but hate the role I played in that. I imagine I will for a long time, if not always.
I wrote a few weeks ago that I didn’t really deal with all these feelings right after he died — 1) because I was hurt and mad and 2) because life was still going on and I felt like the best thing to do was to keep going right along with it. I didn’t feel like I could just stop everything and put life on hold until I’d processed everything. Eventually it catches up to you though.
Things that I didn’t have as strong sentimental attachment to a year ago I now see in the closet or in the jewelry box and I’m conflicted over whether to cherish a sweet memory associated with it or to be mad that everything got so messed up and now he’s not here. The black pearl necklace he brought me back from his first trip to California. A pretty silver and black skirt from the same trip. Crazy Shirts we bought on our two trips to Hawaii. Pictures from our last trip to Disney or his last birthday or our last anniversary.
While I’m struggling (but working on) forgiving myself, what I really want is John’s forgiveness. It’s selfish I’m sure. But I just wonder, from heaven can he see the bigger picture now. Can he better understand what I was experiencing and forgive me for failing him and making bad choices. It’s stupid to want his forgiveness. All I need is the forgiveness of God (and eventually of myself), but selfishly it would make me feel better if I knew I had John’s forgiveness as well. I’m sure he’s not in heaven holding a grudge, because what kind of heaven would that be, but perhaps things like how we were wronged on Earth don’t matter as much once you get to heaven. Or just maybe in our heavenly beings God lets us see and make sense of things on Earth that didn’t make sense at the time. And maybe, just maybe, he understands and doesn’t hold it against me.