Commit to the journey, long or short, that leads back into living life.
“People who handle grief in a most healthy way are those who are willing to admit, ‘This hurts. I don’t particularly like it, but I really want to go on,'” says Pastor Buck Buchanan.
God will reward your sincere willingness to commit to the journey and to press on.
“Not that I have already obtained it, or have already become perfect, but I press on in order that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus. Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 3:12-14 NASB).
I was shredding the last of the checks from an old joint checking account and realized — these are the last checks ever that will have mine and John’s name on them. I cried. Isn’t that such a dumb thing to cry about? I tell ya, some of this widowhood stuff is a little crazy at times.
In my spirit, I found myself saying I don’t want to do this. Not shred checks, specifically. I don’t want to do this. I don’t want John to be gone. I don’t want to be a widow. I don’t want Finn and Caden to grow up without him. Etc.
As I sat there, in tears, shredding old bank checks, the words to the song “It Is Well” were brought to mind, specifically the line “whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say, It is well, It is well, with my soul.”
I believe it was the Holy Spirit who sent me those words. And my response to God was it’s not. It’s not well. Not yet, anyway. John’s death and all of the circumstances surrounding it is not well with my soul … yet. :) But I’m working on it, and God is going to do it in me and for me in His right time. He’s not in a hurry or on my timetable. He knows these things take time, and I’m appreciative of his patience and endurance of fickle, stubborn me.
I shared this story with my GriefShare group last night, and then my GriefShare devotional for today was the above quoted portion. The verse and the encouragement coincide perfectly, I thought. I think that means I must be on the right track.