I’m so thankful my mom was able to watch the boys for a few hours this morning so I could attend this morning’s Strong-Willed Child lecture by author and columnist John Rosemond. In an earlier post I mentioned how excited I was about this lecture since I’ve referred to Rosemond’s book Parent Power often since becoming a mom.

Rosemond is quite old school, which I like. He compared often throughout his talk how his generation (he’s my parents age) was raised so differently than the way kids are raised today. His generation was just michievious. Today’s kids are “in your face disobedient.” His generation had a lasting respect for authority, where today, kids have no such respect.

He posed a question that I’ve actually asked often of myself: How did your parents discipline you to do what you were told? The answer from Rosemond’s peers is nothing. Children simply knew they had to do what they were told and they did it. There was an implied expectation — You will do what you are told — that kept kids in line. That implied expectation doesn’t exist today.

The question is why? What are today’s parents doing that is so different? It’s all in our head, Rosemond says. Our mindset has been shaped by all the parenting magazines, studies, psychologists, talk shows, and so on that feed us “psycho-babble” about not disciplining our kids, letting them make their own choices, talking to them at their level, being their friend, etc. when a lot of that stuff is contrary to how parents have been raising kids for generations (and without all the problems parents have today, I might add).

Rosemond kinda beat up on moms a little bit, blaming women for a lot of the misperceptions because they’re the ones reading the magazines, watching the talk shows, etc. and sharing it with their husbands. I found this interesting because of the parellelism to Original Sin — Eve bringing the fruit to Adam v. today’s moms bringing all of the “bad” parenting advice into the house.

He debunked quite a few of the things all those magazines and experts have told us is true. One has to do with self-esteem, this idea that it’s the parents job to ensure their kids have good or high self-esteem. Actually, the Bible teaches us just the opposite, to be humble and meek. The problem with high self-esteem is that people who think too highly of themselves often have low regard for others.

A few other things from my notes:

– Don’t ask. Tell. Rosemond gave the example of a mother who approached him at one of his talks and wanted help with her daughter who wouldn’t do anything the mother told her. Rosemond’s response was that the problem was the mom wasn’t actually telling the child what to do; she was asking, pleading, bargaining, bribing, cajoling, etc.

– Children need to be held more accountable for their actions. It’s not parents job to do their kids homework or even to make sure it’s done. It’s the child’s. Parents take on too much responsibility that really should be placed on the child.

– False: The more attention you give a child the better parent you are. Today’s children are constantly micromanaged and have no freedom. True: The more attention you pay a child the less attention they pay to you.

– Moms are stressed! Moms of the past “calmly and casually approached parenting with the legitimacy of authority over their children’s lives.” In the 1950s, women got together and talked about politics, economy, plays they’d seen, books they read, activities they were involved in in the community Today’s moms talk about their kids because their kids are their lives.

– Moms are the Great Enablers. Our behaviors as moms have convinced our kids they are helpless, that they can’t do anything without us (which is not true.)

– Today’s moms try not to upset their children (guilty!) when we should really have them trying not to upset us. Their job is to serve and pay attention, not to be served and be paid attention to.

– Children need to know their place — tell them how it’s going to be.

– Leadership — I know what I’m doing. I know what I want. I know I am going to get it.

– Training kids and training dogs are not the same. Dogs want to please their owner/wants things your way. Kids don’t. Kids want things their way (sinful nature).

– False: Parents don’t produce the child; the child produces the child. Parents are just one influence among many.

– Stop feeling guilty when your child misbehaves. Punish them, not you.

– Tell kids the expectation once. If they do not obey, use a delayed consequense — do what you can when you can.

– Punishment should never fit the crime. A small crime warrants a BIG punishment so the behavior is nipped in the bud.