Today Was A Fairy Tale

A year ago today I was happy.

My best friend asked me to marry him, and I looked forward to that life.

Earlier in the day we had fought because of my stupid jealousy over the girl before me and major insecurity issues. I had ruined a proposal opportunity a week earlier on the beach in Florida but didn’t even know it at the time. Same reasons — jealousy, insecurity, etc. But all those aside, I was happy about so many things. The best was yet to come, I thought.

Within two weeks I panicked and walked out. I denied at the time and for the greater part of the past year that walking out was what I did. But there’s no other way to describe it. Inside I felt like I just needed some time and space to get over the death of my marriage and the suicide of my husband, to adjust, to … excuses excuses. But what I did on the outside was walk away from a good person who was nothing but good to me and good to my sons. I explained and rationalized and justified — and granted, there were things to work through — but he was willing to work through them. I panicked and ran. I let anxiety and fear get the best of me.

It’s been a rocky year, one full of some ups and many downs and quite a few regrets.

Today, I went back to the place where he proposed and the place where I had hoped we would have our marriage ceremony. I spent some time there praying, thinking, meditating, and pondering things like what commitment really means to me if I could so easily walk away. I made a promise, and I broke it, and worse than that I attempted to explain it away with things like “well, I didn’t really make a promise” and “it was just an engagement” knowing full well what that meant to him, and trying to say that I had the right to change my mind.

I did make a promise, and I did break it. Even if I had the “right” to change my mind that doesn’t mean I should or that I have the right to hurt others in the process. Why should my prerogative to change my mind weigh more than another’s prerogative to not be hurt? And if hurt is unavoidable, there’s a right way and a wrong to do it, and I chose the worst way possible I believe. I have all my reasons and excuses but they don’t really amount to much when I sit here regretting the choices I made and the hurtful things I said and the end result of he and I not being together.

A year ago today I was happy.

Today, I was sad.

Tags: engagement, engagement ring, proposal

A Blanket for Maggie

I started working on the above baby blanket about three months before little Maggie was due to be born.

Maggie is the daughter of some good friends who live out of state.

I’ve been knitting scarves for a few years so really, how hard could a blanket be? I thought. It’s pretty much just a wider and longer scarf, right?

Well, it wasn’t hard, per se, but it took wayyy longer than I thought. The needle was small, the yarn was fine and I was overzealous when I started out casting on 100 stitches. (I should’ve started with half that many.)

What I had hoped to finish my the time she was born took nearly as long to finish as it did for little Maggie to incubate in her mommy’s tummy.

And even more disappointing is that the end result was not all that great. I could’ve worked another 9 months on it to make it bigger and better, or I could’ve let the family get some use out of it while Maggie is still an infant. I chose to send a greatly imperfect blanket that they might actually get to use, over strive for perfection and they never get to wrap her in it.

My patience and perseverance was put to the test greatly but I’m so glad I didn’t give up. The Tuesday morning Bible study ladies and the Friday morning Choose life ladies and the Tuesday and Thursday afternoon karate moms I’m sure got tired of seeing me carrying in my knitting bag each week. I’m sure because they said so. They made nice-as-can-be comments like, “You’re still working on that blanket?” Some even recommended I stop and just go buy one. But no, I really really wanted to see it through.

I hope Maggie and her parents enjoy it — imperfections, snags, loose yarn and all.

This is one of those times when it’s the thought that counts.

Tags: baby blanket, knit, knitting

Because Every Story Has A Back Story

For five years I’ve written “opinionated thoughts on random topics.”

I’m still opinionated and I’m still random, but as blogs tend to do my blog has morphed somewhat. What I write here isn’t the same as I used to write here. Sometimes it is. The early days were a lot more random and a lot more about Target. I used to say that my blog was the things I would talk to you about if we had lunch. Well, I’m not sure that I have as concise a phrase to define the current content, but I don’t think the old framework works any more either.

I write a lot more now about things I’m reading than I did five years ago, mainly because five years ago I didn’t read as much as I do now. I use my blog to get free books to review, and I review other books (that I don’t get for free) too. I sometimes review movies and music and local businesses and restaurants.

I write more about spiritual matters now and not from the perspective of someone who has the answers — if I’ve learned anything in the last two years it’s that I don’t have all the answers, or really any of them — but as someone who is asking questions.

But the one thing that’s consistent is the back story. You know this is you’ve ever talked to me in person, but if I tell a story it never starts with the here and now but always goes back to some earlier point in time. This post in point — I didn’t just cut to the chase and say “I’m changing my blog subtitle” but instead told the long and drawn out path that led here.

Because every story has a back story.

Tags: blogging, blogs

Book Review: Full Dark No Stars

“I believe there is another man inside every man, a stranger…”

I read my first Stephen King book last year, but it was his non-fiction book On Writing (review). While reading On Writing I heard about Full Dark No Stars, a collection of four short stories, and my interest was piqued. I wasn’t sure I would be interested in a full-length science fiction or scary novel, so the short story collection seemed like a way to sample some of King’s writing without overcommitting.

Each story in Full Dark No Stars was a fast read. King certainly has a way of telling a story so that it pulls you in from sometimes the first sentence. He uses lots and lots of foreshadowing, which I usually like but that I was actually kind of tired of by the time I finished the last story.

The stories are very dark, but then it is Stephen King. At one point I questioned if I should finish reading it, but then I honestly was “hooked” and had to see how the story/stories finished. While the crimes in the stories are shocking, King’s look into the inner person was intriguing. In each story the reader sees the outer person battling with the inner person, an inner person capable of unspeakable things that shocks even themselves. King speaks of the unspeakable and shines light on those inner conflicts which I think happen more often than we know or than people let on.

Tags: book review, Books, Full Dark No Stars, Stephen King